Hello World.

kay.tee
3 min readJan 2, 2021

I am dramatic. Maybe not outwardly loud and crazy, but my brain can definitely extrapolate.

I often reflect on the why’s and the what’s of my life. My mind is my sanctuary where I escape to, especially when the outside gets too loud and overwhelming. But I also have the tendency to ponder too much and to ask questions with no real answers. I replay and fast forward scenarios in my head. I have perfectionistic traits but I am nowhere near perfect.

My 20s were messy. A mumble jumble. Sometimes too serious, at times too curious. I had my insecurities. I cared about things that didn’t need to be catered. I gave benefit of the doubt when red flags were wildly waving. There was lost time that I didn’t spend wisely. Rude things I said or did that might have unintentionally hurt others that I could’ve never taken back.

But each step along the way also came pieces of the puzzle that somehow all fell into place. A spectrum of emotions. It’s really the lowlights that make me appreciate the highlights. It’s the sadness and pain endured that has made me learn to hold onto joy a bit tighter when it comes around; and to savor every magical moment for just a little longer before it melts away.

And looking back, I see why some mistakes had to be made. I see why some doors had to be closed. I see why I must move to plant new roots. I see why I had to fall for him, and the other him’s thereafter even if they are all now just strangers in passing. It is looking back that I find purpose and gratitude. Grateful of understanding friends who lifted me back up and entertained my roaring and overwhelming thoughts at 3 am. Of my parents who never forget to text me daily just to check in. Of having a job I love and being surrounded by the smartest people in the world. Of the places and things that each gave meaning to my life and stories that touched my soul. And of you, I am grateful to have met each and every one of you, because you have impacted and shaped me in some ways and forms, however big or small.

I’d be lying if I said that I am 100% excited for the next decade, because truthfully, I am already half-filled with anxiety and nervousness. It’s stepping into an age where stakes are higher and expectations are greater. And if I project my years out, I sometimes dread never finding lasting love; the worse days ahead; and the heartaches that will inevitably come along with time passing and the reality of aging. I fear the days when I will struggle again with loneliness and self-doubts. These are all scary, but very real thoughts. Because when I even have people in their 30s tell me that life has only gotten worse from here, how does one reconcile!?

I could go down a rabbit hole, but I also have the choice to believe that life is best lived in the moment, and our mind frames our reality. Time goes on but life always has a way of turning around and sculpting beautiful things. All the cliches I’ve collected over the years have filled each of my cracks when I was broken. Heck, I’d even want to be a cliche, because cliches always turn out okay. Call it serendipity, hindsight or introspection, it’s all in our head.

So instead of extrapolating, what if I choose to believe that I could be an anomaly? Life isn’t supposed to be linear. While there may be worse days, the best days are also yet to be defined. I am learning to live each day with intention. Because it is in the moment where we can find our true sense of self, calmness and contentment; then within it is the opportunity to center our minds and the courage to believe in ourselves.

I don’t know if sharing this is helpful but I hope that if you’re also feeling lost and nervous, you’ll find comfort in knowing that you always have the power. It’s when we step back and look at life with a wide angle and a panoramic lens that we can find our missing pieces and appreciate the blessing we are given to be alive.

Here’s to stepping into a new decade of my life.

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kay.tee
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Believer of cliches & modern day fairytales | Always fascinated & caffeinated | Obsessively grateful.